I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now

if u were my homework i'd be doing you on the desk rite now

very sweet very honest very cute very gorgeous very stunning very very hot very good looking FIT i think its enough about me! WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I saw you on the road that day, u were looking so fine ur face so divine ur walk so perfect my heart started to sing a song WHO LET THE DOG OUT?